Rambling/Poles Apart

It’s been a while, and I’ll apologise for the ramblings in advance.

I’ve been stuck trudging through the quagmire that is my life. Struggling to cling on to that positivity that filled my early recovery. Trying to find happiness in a ‘normal’ modern life. Keeping up with the Jones’s. Getting my heart broken. Being disappointed. Failing to achieve my pre-determined goals.

But is it true?

I’ve not put pen to paper for a while. I’ve not found the inspiration or where withal to do so. The monotony of my life now seems to pale into comparison when compared with the frantic race to win back my life. There’s no point writing what everyone else knows. There’s been a touch of jealousy at times seeing others move on at great pace, like I once did.

Did I set my sights to high? Well maybe so, but on the other hand, can you ever set your sights too high? If, as a society, we didn’t dare to achieve, we’d still be stuck in the dark ages after all.

I sat down this morning, thoughts popping into my head about what I need to do. Most often of late, I let them build up to a point where they seem insurmountable. A trap I fell into during addiction and the hardest part is breaking that cycle. The rest is easy(er!).

Something’s been holding me back for a while. There are many facets to this thing, this ‘attitude’ that needs some adjustment. I’ve not been able to move on for reasons both in and out of my control.

Overall I’m just not happy with the status quo. I can’t sit back and let things happen. Life doesn’t work that way. Things happen for a reason. Usually because you get off your arse and make them happen. As long as I do that I know I can do no more, and that’s gotta be enough for me. It is and it isn’t.

Positive actions breed positive thinking.

But this morning I had a mini epiphany. How long it will last I don’t know. By lunchtime I may be ready to slit my wrists, who knows? (joke)

See, achieving goals, as with everything in life, is all about perception.

In the last 2 years:

I’ve gotten clean, and moreover, stayed clean.

I’ve left my job of many years to leave behind the memories of why this all began in the first place.

I’ve paid the vast majority of my huge debts off.

I’m fitter and healthier than I’ve been in nigh on 20 years.

I’ve got a new job that I enjoy and proved (to myself) that I could start again.

I’m rebuilding relationships and gaining friends.

And even though I make out like I’m down, lacking inspiration, motivation and the positive mental attitude – if I could stand side-by-side with the old me, I realise we’d be poles apart.

3 comments - First published on: 05/02/2012

Happy New Year

2 comments - First published on: 02/01/2012

Beautiful People

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.

These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

7 comments - First published on: 02/11/2011

Elephants on the roof

I’ve been worried for a little while now. Thinking had I gone a step too far with my Recovery. I began to wonder had I royally f’d up leaving my job back in April.

My old ‘manyana’ attitude slipped back in for a while and as I lost focus, I just whiled the days away.

So after six months out of work, I’m back in the saddle. And although a little tired, it’s what I needed. I’m on less money, less holidays, longer days and less perks etc, but I’m happy I got what I wanted – a job in the private sector where I can move on and prove my worth once again.

Things are back on track now and making that jump has given me a boost (once I finally got my arse into gear).

It’s come just in the nick of time too. Money was running low and I have bills to pay (lots and lots!) plus a whole load of work that needs doing on my house. The roof has been leaking for a while, but now it’s finally getting replaced. Though it sounds like I’ve had a herd of elephants on the roof since Wednesday.

So that’s another weight off my mind. I’m wittling away at the problems that held me back or just plain peck at my head. That’s what’s important.

A year ago I was so frustrated at certain things. I felt great in Recovery and, other than wanting to be further down that path, I was finally happy in myself. But I’m a complicated individual and no matter how much I say it’s what’s inside that counts, I struggle with perception.

I know it never will be, but I want everything to be perfect in my life. I want to wipe away those traces that could rat me out to unsuspecting people. I know I shouldn’t worry about it, but perception is important to me.

Maybe it’s because I used to lead this double life of a professional person who was a secret junkie. I had to hide my personal life as there was no way to explain why I had a good job, but no pot to piss in.

I guess its a normal part of human nature to strive for more. Something I keep coming back to though, is that whilst the ending may not always live up to expectations, the journey usually surpasses them.

3 comments - First published on: 29/10/2011